#parenting
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.