got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
saw this in a dream
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense