Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You Might Also Like
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.