angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Come back with a warrant
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.