“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus