Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.