-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.