ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
You Might Also Like
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.