Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.