“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I have a black belt in leather
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Not all heroes wear capes.