Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.