Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*