Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..