this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?