Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
anyone else like Italian cereal
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”