Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.