Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt