Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
You Might Also Like
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Somebody’s lying.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.