I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
You Might Also Like
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
New menu item
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word