Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
my retirement plan is braless
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀