“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Does this dress make me look cat?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.