Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.