So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother