Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight