I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You Might Also Like
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️