[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…