I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
You Might Also Like
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“That’s what” – She
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.