My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”