Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My dress code is business-casualty.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.