My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
constantly working on myself.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..