Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?