cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!