aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
OMG 🤣🤣
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Happy Thanksgiving
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.