Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good