Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
A roof is a house hat.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does