People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
WTF
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.