Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You Might Also Like
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
honestly, i need both:
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods