A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Miscakes
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”