Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?