If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum