[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”