Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.