please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
#SaturdayBears
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions