You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Finally!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I would move hell over six inches for you
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
i want to work in this restaurant
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.