I’d rather fork than spoon.
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Liquor Store Parking
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.