Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
You Might Also Like
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Damn he played himself
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.