I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Food gives you energy to nap more.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?