I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
choose your gary
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
found my next D&D character name
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”