[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Vodka burrito was a success
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*