[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”